In the hectic, rat-race life that goes along with stressful events, you tend to neglect your needs. You try to build habits & routines for yourself, but never have the discipline to maintain them. Don’t worry, I am just like you. In this blog post, I will share my experiences and insights.

The giving-up-when-it-gets-hard-mindset

As a kid, I tried out many different sports and hobbies. I tried out tennis, badminton, running, volleyball, art class, krav maga, piano and guitar lessons, and so on. Every time it got hard, I quit it immediately (Mind: this was most of the time after the second or third try), and shocker: my parents fully allowed me to go on this way. Their mentality was: “If you don’t like something, you can quit it.” While their intentions were right and they wanted the best for me, this didn’t serve me well. I started to give up and even procrastinate anything I had to do, even with the smallest of things like getting dressed in the morning,  brushing teeth,… When my mother tried to give me structured ways of these daily tasks like brushing my teeth and getting dressed as a child, I didn’t like it (as any kid would), and my mom would immediately give up on me. Now, in adult life, I sometimes forget to brush my teeth on a daily basis or stay in my PJs all day long. My mind is chaotic and I have to make to-do lists for anything not to forget something. I often blame myself for being unable to remember my schedule for the day or shame myself for not following through with it. Sometimes, I tend to call myself lazy or stupid.

In the early stages of life, we need structure and discipline to experience an overall accomplished feeling. If we didn’t get that, we tend to experience life as more messy, chaotic, all-over-the-place, and never fully feeling fulfilled or organized, no matter what we do. Children need a structured, clear explanation of how to do mundane tasks in their childhood so they go through life making better connections in their brain with learning new skills, managing the household, and having an overall relaxed and composed life. For us, the ones who didn’t get the needed patience from our parents to learn new skills, it can cause some difficulties in life. For me, I have always felt like I am behind in life in comparison to others. I felt like I gave up and missed a lot of opportunities.

When I was a college student, I always wanted to work in clothing stores. When I saw in the job application that I needed to fold clothes, I freaked out. I didn’t know how to do it, at all. A 20-year-old that doesn’t know how to fold clothes the proper way. However, I still applied to break out of my fear and imitated other co-workers. I broke through my fear and felt more confident afterward.

Another example of this is in the volunteering work that I did as an 18-year-old with children that were mentally challenging. One day, they organized a cooking event, where we had to show them how to peel several vegetables and fruits. It started with an apple. I felt so embarrassed that these children could do a better job than me, and I didn’t dare to tell the other volunteers that this must’ve been the second time in my life that I did this. I said I was feeling sick and went home because I was filled with shame on the inside.

Self-sabotage as a coping mechanism

Through experiencing these life events, I became a lifelong procrastinator in anything that was even remotely difficult for me or anything I could fail in. It started to become an obsession and I would not even start working on my goals or working towards my dream life. I distracted and distracted myself to escape the shame and feeling of laziness, incapability, and overall powerlessness. It was too painful to overcome these obstacles and I felt like I didn’t deserve to go through this.

After putting myself constantly in the victim role and talking myself down, I got tired. I know I wanted to build healthy habits for myself. I wanted the self-sabotage to end. I found inspiring stories on YouTube about how people survived a suicide attempt or a severe illness and how they build up their lives again, and I started to get to work.

Taking your life back

It has been a long and difficult journey with its ups and downs. I am still not fully where I want to be, and that is totally fine if you feel like this as well. What matters the most, is the intention you set for yourself. The fact that you already WANT to improve, and WANT to be better already makes you 80% accomplished. That is the biggest step. The only thing you need to do is taking radical ACTION.

Creating structure and keeping promises to yourself allows you to be in a more relaxed, self-assured mind frame and already sets you up for the day. Learning healthy habits sets you up to feel way better about yourself and gain more confidence, which has a ripple effect through all life areas.

However, it is normal to not be able to live up to your habits daily. Make it attainable, measurable and start small. Don’t start with 10 habits in the morning and 10 before bed. Start with one, simple thing. You can even make your own bed in the morning. That is it. Do not overwhelm yourself with too many habits at once. Trust me, I have been there. It only created a burn out and a constant feeling of not being good enough.

Then lastly, THE MOST ESSENTIAL step is to treat yourself with compassion, respect, and love as if you would treat your friends, family, and coworkers,… HELL, even strangers on the street, if you somehow didn’t complete a habit you planned to do in the morning. You only have yourself. Forgive yourself, you are not perfect. You’re only human, and trust me, none of those influencers you see on social media can follow through with it daily. It’s not possible. If you still experience intense feelings of failure and shame, sit with yourself. Journal, talk to yourself, draw it out,… Whatever you define as a safe space and healthy outlet, do that.

Why are you feeling this way? Where do you think it comes from? What memories pop up?

You deserve to heal. You deserve to be better. And you CAN. Even if you might have a rough start in life, you can still adapt your brain to learn new concepts and structures. Your brain constantly makes new associations, so why can’t you add this one?

As always, I believe in you. And you should believe in you, too.