When you google this headline, you will find many options and actionable points listed. Information overload takes in, you close your phone screen and end up in the same place as yesterday.

I get it.

That’s why I am giving you 3 simple steps that you can take to deal with hating yourself on a daily basis.

I am using the term “to deal with it” because it might not fully go away, BUT the good news is; you can learn to live with it.

I am living proof of that. And if I can do it, so can you!

1. Recognizing & accepting your feelings

You didn’t click on this article by accident.

You did it because DEEP INSIDE, you know that something is stirring or bothering you.

BUT the fact that you already want to work on these feelings, deserves a big APPLAUSE!

The truth is: most people don’t really want to work on themselves. They just want a quick fix, which won’t satisfy anyone in the long run.

But you, my friend, are here for the real deal!

You might ask yourself now: “But, how can I be so sure that I am recognizing or accepting my feelings? I am still avoiding them, not working on them and my feelings are not going away.”

It doesn’t mean that when you are healing from strong emotions, that they will magically go away.

Think about a grieving mother who lost their child. Do you honestly think her feelings of grief will fully go away?

Of course not!

However, through therapy and self-awareness, she will eventually learn to deal with her feelings, which in the end helps her to put her life on track again so that she will feel resilient.

The same goes for you.

When you are interacting with others at work or with your friends and family, what are the thoughts crossing your mind?

How do you feel when your dinner failed and now you have to get takeaway late at night?

What are your thoughts when a friend that wasn’t good for you in the first place, leaves you behind for her partner?

If you notice self-blame in yourself such as: “Oh, I’m such a loser, I can’t even make dinner.”

Or you inflict yourself with insulting thoughts such as: “My friend only left me because I am ugly”, or; “she left me because I’m not a good person anyway. I’m never good enough.”

This is a big achievement!

Being aware is the single most difficult step, but it is oh-so rewarding.

2. Finding the cause

Having strong feelings now and then is completely normal. As humans, we were created with a vast array of emotions. They are not always in our control, and they shouldn’t be.

Feelings can be guideposts to our inner, most deepest thoughts, values, traumas, and so on.

These strong feelings like sadness, anger, self-hatred and feeling not good enough don’t just show up from nowhere.

Somewhere along the line, your brain picked up on these feelings, which were linked to events you experienced in the past.

When this overwhelming sensation of negatively loaded emotions comes over you, instead of distracting yourself, try to sit with yourself.

Try to really feel where it comes from. Close your eyes and think back to a time you felt the same way as you do now.

Think back to the 7-year-old version of you or the teenager version of you. How did your parents interact with you? Were they unstable and screamed at you? Did you get manipulated and bullied by them? Did you get bullied in high school? Were there physical alterations?

If not, what about the memories you have as an adult?

You don’t always need to have a full-blown traumatizing event to feel and have these toxic self-insulting thoughts.

Did you have a hugely embarrassing moment at your work that you have been avoiding thinking about since then?

Were you not allowed into a certain college while you were sure to get in?

It can be just about anything that happened.

Naturally, when we experience an event that brings us back to feeling huge negative emotions, our brain will try to protect us.

It will do anything to not experience this again.

Maybe you have noticed feeling some anxiety while making decisions, in which you felt like you missed out on opportunities in all life areas

This is your brain trying to guard you away from these “dangerous situations”.

You see, to our brain, these events are life-threatening because of the vibration of the feelings it gives us.

Our ancestors needed to have these feelings to survive in the wild.

However, nowadays it won’t serve us in the long run.

What do you think your brain is trying to protect you from this time? And is it necessary? Will it be beneficial to you in the future?

Just remember: even if you think your feelings are yours, they aren’t.

Feelings are just sensations that come and go.

 And you will be the one practicing to surf the waves of those feelings.

3. Having an outlet - someone/somewhere to vent to

I’m going to be honest with you.

Working on yourself is hard and takes a lot of time.

It is not easy peasy, done in a day and it’s over with.

It takes consistent, daily work if you want to shine.

Let me take you into the different tools for healing that self-resentment.

The basis is this: you need to have a HEALTHY outlet, somewhere or someone you can yell, cry, laugh, and be ridiculous to.

A place where you feel valued and authentic. A place of healing. A healthy release.

Let us dive right into it.

Healthy outlets vs unhealthy outlets

A healthy outlet gives you positive emotions such as relief, and gratitude and increases the feeling of confidence and resilience inside yourself.

This is true healing because you are really DEALING with your feelings instead of avoiding them.

It can be anything, but I suggest not forcing yourself into something.

What is your passion? What do you like to do when no one’s watching? Somewhere that you don’t feel like you have to compete in? What did you like to do as a kid/teenager/adult?

Examples of healthy outlets are journalling, writing down your thoughts, drawing, walking or jogging outside, talking to yourself/to a friend, mindset work, exercising, breath work and sitting with yourself, going to therapy, painting, punching a bag, dancing,…

As long as your intentions are right, and you let yourself feel your feelings fully: you won’t fail.  

However, if you make it a competition, compare yourself to others, and make a business or distraction out of it – Then, be very careful to not trick yourself into this false sense of relief.

It takes repeating and repeating it all over again.

Let those feelings flow.

An example of what I do is: every time I get these huge, demeaning thoughts and feelings, I immediately reach for my diary or talk to my husband about my feelings.

Afterward, I get this huge sense of relief.

Even though my feelings don’t disappear immediately, I am still left with feeling better about myself.

Putting my thoughts on paper gives me the extra validation that these thoughts are not mine.

That I can view them outside of myself and they don’t have to define who I am.

Lastly, you have the unhealthy outlet. The complete opposite of the healthy one.

These are easy to go with. No pushing yourself to go outside or grab your diary.

Easy distractions from the war zone going on in your head.

You are by definition escaping your reality, and I, too, am sometimes guilty of this.

It is humanlike to want to escape pain and want to experience immediate joy. We all want it.

We are not perfect, and being perfect would also be very boring.

Nonetheless, it becomes dangerous when this grows into an addiction.

Take a look at the screen time of your phone or laptop.

How long did you spend scrolling through reels or stories on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, and Facebook?

How often do you drink alcohol to the point that when you wake up the next morning, you don’t remember anything of last night and you feel so sick to your stomach?

There’s a fundamental difference between scrolling for half an hour to an hour to want some relief from a long work day or scrolling the whole day, not going outside, and comparing yourself to everyone’s highlight reel on social media.

Sometimes, it is hard to find what activity is actually a healthy or unhealthy outlet.

I understand this completely. I was in the same place.

I talked to my therapist about this and she gave me this beautiful piece of advice that helped me with my self-awareness.

She said: “When these negative thoughts and feelings arise, what is the first thing you do to escape? Do you immediately want to pick up your phone? Do you turn on the television? Do you grab a glass of wine?”

Once you start to notice the habit you built up to protect yourself, you can begin to raise awareness of your unhealthy outlet.

Examples of these are excessive gaming, excessive alcohol use, excessive drug use, partying while neglecting yourself, scrolling endlessly on your phone, watching anything on the television,…

Don’t get me wrong.

Sometimes having a marathon of your favorite series or gaming the whole day because a new game got released is not considered unhealthy.

In conclusion, it becomes unhealthy when

a) It basically becomes an addiction and an escape from reality and

b) It is often the first thing you do when you’re experiencing these negative emotions

Maintain self-care and grow self-love

You will encounter difficult days, in which you don’t want to do anything else than distracting yourself from reality.

Be especially kind to yourself on these days.

Just know that you are not alone. We all experience them, just like you.

Remind yourself that distraction only gives you short-term gratification and leaves you empty right after you quit it.

Also, this is precisely why it can be so addicting.

Think about what you will gain in the long term.

How will it affect your children, your work or business, your family and your friends, but most importantly YOURSELF?

Schedule days of self-care and breaks in your calendar combined with productive days.

Our human life is all about balance. The good and the bad.

I still have days when I cannot move because of my anxiety and overwhelming thoughts and feelings.

I still cry and wallow in a blanket some days.

But I won’t give up.

And these periods of time have been occurring less frequently.

This is a sign that working on yourself is SO valuable and essential.

Now it’s up to you! And if I can do it, you CERTAINLY can.

Take it one day at a time and don’t rush yourself.

I believe in you.