What Happened In My Childhood? – Experiencing Memory Loss
Sometimes you can’t remember what happened
to you during your childhood. You might recall some swift moments of agony and
shame, but you don’t seem to remember the details of events. I’m here to tell
you that you’re not alone. Let’s explore together why you might be experiencing
temporary memory loss and what you can do to cope with it.
Why can't I remember what happened?
In an unstable family where fights and
temper tantrums are a standard for normal, you might have felt very confused as
a child. Your parent might have even told you that you are overexaggerating or
a certain event didn’t happen while it did. This is called “gaslighting”.
Gaslighting is a manipulation tactic used by the abuser to completely reshape
the reality of events. It can come up in many ways and forms that you may be
unaware of. Here is an example from my own experience. Being a young teenager,
my mother saw me becoming more and more independent, and she didn’t like that.
Every time I would talk about a certain topic that confronted my mother’s inner
being, even if it was just wanting to have a conversation about what the
purpose of life is, she got overwhelmed and often screamed at me: “Why don’t
you move out?” or “You are now old enough to take care of yourself, I think
it’s time for you to find a place of your own.” Obviously, this hurt me. After
a while, , I would look around for apartments. When she caught me doing this,
she would ask me: “Why are you looking at apartments? I don’t want you to move
out yet.” Upon this question, I would tell her that she told me to move out.
She would then respond: “I would never say that to you!”
As a result, you might have subconsciously
dissociated from the situation while growing up to now being an adult. Dissociation
can manifest itself in many ways including depression, mood swings and anxiety
to procrastination in simple, daily tasks. Because it was simply too triggering
to remember, your brain filtered it out for you. This is a normal survival
mechanism. Unfortunately, now that you’ve grown into an adult, it doesn’t serve
you any longer.
Manipulation tactics used by our parents
mostly come from their own traumatizing childhood. You might be very angry at them
about the unacceptable situations they put you in when you were just a child.
It might be too hurtful to acknowledge that they might have caused all this mayhem,
but you cannot stay angry forever. It will not result in a happy present or
future, speaking from own experience. Now it’s time to look forward to your own
future, and heal your inner child along with it.
How do I deal with this? Will my memory ever come back?
First of all, acknowledge that it’s not
your fault and there isn’t anyone to blame (not even yourself!). You’re not
going crazy. You are a smart human being that is already taking a step forward
just by reading this article. Don’t be too harsh on yourself. Remember that you
as a child were innocent. You saw your parents as your caretakers, it would be
only considered normal that you would believe everything that they have told
you. Be kind to yourself.
Secondly, know that you don’t need to know
exact specific memories in your childhood to know that you might have been
neglected, mistreated, abandoned and/or abused. You can start from your own
recollection without torturing yourself too much and go on from there. It’s
time to quit the self-blame. I know, easier said than done. It takes time and
effort, but it’s worth it. Being present and noticing what triggers you can go
a long way. Furthermore, writing them
down in a journal in detail can also be helpful. Find your own system of self-care,
whether it is talking to a professional, to a friend, to yourself out loud,
writing down, reading books, watching videos, or a combination of these. I
believe in you.